Well, we fought with the enormous tree, the tangled lights, and broken candy canes and finally got everything ready for the big day. Presents wrapped and tucked neatly under the tree, and cocoa in habd we all sat down to watch Ali's present, Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince. And all the while all I can think about is seeing my little brother of 10. Finally when Im able to call up my mother and try to arrange things for me to see him, she drops the bomb that I wont be able to see him after all.
So please excuse my Bah Humbug-ness this season.
My boyfirend, as annoying as he may be, and I are to attend his grandfather's wake today. Then his funeral tomorrow morning. This will be the second funeral I have been to this year. First my beloved cousin, now my mock grandfather-in-law. He was such a wonderful man, too. Last time Jonathan and I went to see him, he smiled so big and so bright at Jon, like he hadnt done in ages. It meant alot to Jon.
Jon and I drove down to Wilmington from our place in Goldsboro to help his sister Marcie out with her three kids. She isnt doing so well. She having marritial problems on top of all this, and shes only been legally married for a month and some change. Its just been really hard on her and her kids.
Now, Im down here, sleeping on her couch, and I have no idea how to comfort her. She likes to talk to me about things, and I enjoy talking to her about them as well. But the problem is, I dont really know how to help her with everything. I dont live in her problems everyday, so I cant really tell her much about her marriage. I try to tell her about things Iv picked up from being around them both, but thats as good as I can do.
I guess the whole confusion about my own relationship and future is seeping into other parts of my life. I think I just need a break for a while.
I was just depressed today. I was missing my cousin Melissa. She passed on in June and I really havent been able to start the letting go phase. I havent been the same, even to the point where I notice. I dont really feel ready to talk about it much, not even with Jon, my boyfriend. He makes me feel childish and weak when I do try to talk to him about it. He dosent mean to though, and I know that. He tries to get me to talk to him, and stop listening to music that reminds me of her. But I dont want to stop listening, cause I feel closer to her somehow. Yes it makes me cry, cause I miss her and I always will. My tears arnt always sad, but when thry are I dont want to be bothered. I just dont know how to tell him that without hurting his feelings or sounding like a bitch. See, now Melissa would have the answer to that question. She always seemed to know what to say or what to do. She would call me Baby Girl, cause she said that I was the daughter she never had. We were so close, and I loved her so much. She would stay up all night with me and play video games, or watch horror movies drinking coffee. She became a second mother to me, and now that shes gone, Im still trying to find my footing. It was a very sudden death, I was unprepared. It through me through a brick wall, and Im just now starting to come around. I still have to somehow find a way to get my feet back under me and straighten out my vision. I will, dont worry, until then though, its going to be rough road and people need to understand. Its hard to lose someone, specially if that person was like a parent. I just wish I could explain it to them though. That I need some space on this subject.
Anyway, I need to go. Thanks for letting me vent to you guys. It helps to be able to. Even IF noone ever reads this thing, its nice to pretend you do.
